On a Sunday evening

On a July evening that feels more like autumn that the height of summer I can't help but think of summer ending. Outside it's in the low 60's - inside the cats are curled and napping and it just feels like it should be time for apple picking and cider doughnuts.

I have no reflections today - maybe I'm too tired.

Has it already been a week?

Hard to believe - this one went by so fast! People my tender age probably say that a lot, but wow - tomorrow is Thursday again!

I'm not going to write much... swam 15 laps tonight and I'm really tired. Time for my milk and beddy-bye. I'll try to catch up tomorrow after my class....

Thursday again

Its Thursday again and a hot one here in Upstate New York. We're waiting for rain and the air has that heavy still feeling that is at once stifling and charged with the energy of the upcoming storm. Its gonna be a biggie!

It was a good, tiring, productive day, though. Got a lot of work done and even cleaned my desk. My customers are happy, my cats are happy and there are no paws on my keyboard - life is good.

So I'm going to keep it short for tonight so I can get a couple other things done before the storm hits and I have to sign out.

Been too long

My apologies to my single follower - it's been far too long since I've posted to my blog!! Put it down to life being life and interfering with my intellectual pursuits!

But here I am, 11:30 at night in Upstate New York, just before bed and feeling like meandering a bit.

I got a new computer 2 weeks ago. I took the plunge and after 20-some-odd-years as a PC I bought a Mac. My only experience with them before now was programming related. I learned Pascal on a Mac. I used to program hypertext tutorials for my Anatomy and Physiology prof on a Mac. But I'd never really used one for day-to-day computing needs. Now I'm the proud owner of this shiny, beautiful piece of equipment and I find myself marveling daily at the elegance and usability of this machine! I don't know what kind of engineer/designer/artist hybrid it takes to come up with something so elegant and simple, but that team deserves my heartfelt and highest kudos. (Bear in mind that I've only been living with Mac for 2 weeks - I may change my tune in a year).

It's akin to the thrill I felt when I wrote my first database program and found that my query actually worked. Or writing my first DOS batch program to create myself a little menu for my 8086. In those days I thought 1 Mg of RAM was enormous and that a 20 Mg hard drive was all I'd EVER need!

Now I have 4 Gigabytes of RAM and 650 Gigabytes of onboard hard disk space plus 2 outboard 1 Terabyte (each) storage drives - one for general backup and one for photos and music. 2 TERABYTES! In 1986, when I first started using computers I didn't even know what a Terabyte was - now I have 2.

It's simply amazing to me that in less than 50 years we can go from a computer that took up several rooms to one that fits in my hand (I also have a net book - 8 inch screen - lovely little machine). That a machine that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars in 1965 now costs under one thousand.

I never want to lost this sense of wonder and astonishment at the incredible advances we've made in so may areas.

Organization

I'm not an especially organized person. I like for things to be accessible, easy to get at and clean. I like to know 'I need this thing and it's right here' put my hand 'there' and grab that thing.

But I don't get bent out of shape if it isn't there - unless it's my car keys as I'm headed out the door for work.

So it's rather odd that I would have spent the last 3 days moving and organizing my craft supplies. I now have nice boxes labelled things like 'Ribbons' and 'Paint' and by god if I need a pink ribbon and a bottle of green paint I know where to find them. It feels good - oddly enough.

I say that because I was always the kid who shoved all of her stuff under the bed and into the closet on the day my mother decreed as 'room cleaning day'. Where my brother would grab the vacuum, a pile of rags, the Pledge and an empty garbage pail and spend all day cleaning, I would shove as much stuff as I could out of sight, run over the flat surfaces with the tail of my shirt and run for the door. How's that for role reversal? Aren't the girls supposed to be the tidy ones? That's what my parents always thought.

But I've always been out-of-the-box in some way or another. Back in my Wondering post (or more appropriately 'Wandering' LOL) I wondered how I got to be a 300 pound woman. Now I wonder if that out-of-the-box-ness of mine wasn't a contributing factor. What came first - the weight or the eccentricity? Was it cause and effect? Or did they develop independently of each other?

I love that my crafting area is now uber organized, it just doesn't look like it belongs in my house, or to this person. Great Goddess - could there be a 'normal' person lurking inside me? Crying to get out? Could this be her way of seeking to exert dominance? At some point in my early life was there just a nice, normal JAD - and I (the evil twin part of my nature) ate her? Is that how I got to be 300 pounds? Is that who's now living out my life?

I wonder...

Now I don't expect this post to resonate with anyone in particular - I just need to write it.

My little purple journal is starting to reveal more to me that merely the food that I put into my body. Even though that's all it contains - my daily list of foods eaten with their carb counts and on the back of some page or other the list of the the counts in the recipes I've made for the week - just the very act of writing this is making me aware of things that I never really thought about before.

I come from a very unusual family - father from a well-to-do (maybe - not really sure) German immigrant family. He fought in WWII, was overweight from the time he left the service, was a handsome, charming, selfish man who really didn't want to have kids. He could be fun : dancing around the living room and singing to Mitch Miller; he could be cold: 'you can't have a cookie - you're too fat' - and I never understood why he didn't love me. He said exactly once that he was proud of me - when I lost 160 pounds. Not one other time - ever.

My mother was from a poor Polish immigrant family. Gramma used to take in boarders to make ends meet. Mom was energetic, sometimes frenetic, loving to the point of possessiveness and I still believe bi-polar (never diagnosed). At a time when most women stayed home to take care of house and kids my mother worked 2 jobs. We're talking the 50's and 60's here folks - Boom Time. But there was no keeping my mother home - she had to go out.

My parents divorced - bitterly - when I was 12. 32 years of marriage.

And as I write in my little purple journal my list of foods that I've eaten that day I find myself reflecting on them and my life growing up. How did I get to this point? How did I go from a four-year-old that everyone thought was too skinny and was forced to eat to a 300 lb woman of 53?

Let's think about this a moment: 300 pounds. Actually now 285 - not bad considering that when I started I was 348... How does a baby who weighed 5 lb. 3 oz. at birth get to be such a size? My left leg weighs more than 5 pounds! How did it happen? What was the chain of events? What was the beginning... was there even a discrete beginning? If so how do I find it? How do I fix it?

I wonder....

Late fridays...

I know I should go to bed... I have to get up early tomorrow, but for some reason I can't relax.

I think I've gotten myself back on track and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I started keeping a journal - I carry it with me at all times - that's helping. I wasn't being honest with myself - I was cheating far too much - blood sugar was climbing and I had stopped losing weight. That was reason enough! I know I should have been more concerned about the blood sugars, but vanity thy name is Jude...

It's been nice to buy new clothes, to get compliments, to feel better. That's the best - feeling better. I have energy (well - most of the time) to burn - I walk faster, I think better. Never thought losing a little weight would affect my mental capacities. But I'm not taking any chances. I laid in a bunch of good food tonight and tomorrow, when my friend leaves I'm going to cook good stuff to eat for the week. And I'm going to make some low-carb desserts, too because my sweet tooth is just as crazy as ever!

But Fridays... Fridays are good...